His secret
by fred21
Summary: Jack always keeps a promise and today was no different.


General Jack O'Neill was a man who kept his promises. Even if he sometimes had to postpone keeping the promise until another time. Even if it took him awhile. In the end he always kept his promise. He was a man of honour. A man who kept his word.

Driving along the road his thoughts turned to the day.

Though he had visited several times before, today was important. It was a special day. A day he had had marked in his calendar for a long time. Nothing in the world, in the galaxy would stop him from keeping his promise today. Looking out the window he smiled. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the air crisp and clear. He took a deep breath, breathing it in. It was good to be outside. Well, maybe not quite since he was driving a car, but he had the windows down. It was close enough. He was glad that today was a perfect day. It seemed right, fitting even.

He hadn't told anyone where he was going, why today was important. It was a private thing, a personal thing. Though that hadn't stopped Daniel. Jack hadn't told him about today, but Daniel had known anyway. Somehow Jack wasn't surprised and to be honest he had appreciated the call that Daniel had made to him this morning. Daniel hadn't said much, but what he had said had been the right thing. It helped keeping this promise a little easier.

Daniel was his closest friend. His best friend. He had stopped long ago wondering about the strangest of this and now just accepted it for what it was. Just as he accepted his friendship with Teal'c and Carter.

His friendship with Teal'c made sense. They were both warriors, soldiers. They were loyal to each other and to their team mates. It was a bond. A bond that had grown into respect which in turned had grown into a deep friendship.

And then there was Carter.

Colonel Samantha Carter.

Carter.

Samantha.

Sam.

She was all these things to him. They were friends. Yet they were more than this and at the same time less than this. God he thought he really had been hanging around Daniel way too much. The truth was he didn't know what they had. He just knew that there was something between them and after nearly 12 years of knowing each other it was still there. It hadn't gone away, if anything the feelings between them had gotten stronger.

He knew that those who were aware of what was between them, wondered why they hadn't done anything about it. Why they weren't together. As a couple. Perhaps even as husband and wife.

He used the military as the reason. For a long time he had been her commanding officer. Military protocol prevented them on acting on their feelings. They both knew this, believed this, used this.

But the truth was it was bullshit that the military was stopping him. Well maybe not total bullshit. He had felt that while he had been her commanding officer that it wasn't in her best interest for them to start something. He knew the kind of rumours that would of gone around if they had had a relationship. He hadn't wanted Sam to go through that.

When she had started seeing Pete he had been pleased that she was moving on. The engagement had taken him by surprise, but he was happy for her. With Pete she could have what she wanted. A husband, children, a home. He had been please for her, he really had. Well okay then maybe not quite that pleased, there had been some regret. Regret for things that could of been. For a life that could of been. A life with Sam. In the end he knew enough to know that regret was pointless, he had been down that road before. He knew better than many that regret could consume you, destroy you. He was wise enough to know that he didn't want to go down that path again. Wise, huh, what the hell did he know. He just knew that he no longer wanted regret to control him, he was in control of his life and he had been glad that Sam was taking control of hers.

That she had ended the engagement had not come as a surprise in light of the fact that she had visited him before expressing her doubts. It had been an awkward meeting to say the least even more so since Kerry had been there to witness it. That Sam had been uncomfortable was an understatement. Personally he had a been just a little glad that Kerry had been there. If she hadn't, then he and Sam would of been forced to confront things he rather not. He had no wish to hurt her. Then her father had died, and he knew he had to be there. There was no way that he could let her go through that on her own.

In time with the broken engagement and her father's death behind her they had gone back to a familiar footing.

No longer being her commanding officer had helped, that and the fact he now spent most of his time in Washington. In some ways the distance helped, no longer having to see her everyday, to hear her voice everyday, to be so close and not touch her everyday... yes the distance had helped. He missed her though, oh yes he missed her a lot. But missing her was at least better than being with her everyday and knowing that nothing could ever happen between. He was fairly sure that him not being around was also good for Sam. She was going far in her career and she had a good circle of friends around her. He hoped that in time she would take a chance on someone and perhaps find the love she deserved. A chance to have the life she deserved. A life he couldn't give her.

There were times he wondered if she deserved the truth. Deserved to know why he couldn't be with her. Why he had never given what was between them a chance. But he knew that if he did tell her, Sam would try to argue against it. She would fight him every step of the way. And deep down he was afraid that he would give in, that her arguments would sway him. And that was something he wasn't prepared to do. For both their sakes it was best for them to continue as they were. It would be hard but then it hard been hard for the past 12 years.

He was here. He had arrived. Pulling up and parking his car, he got out.

Now was not the time to be thinking about Sam and the might of beens. He had made his decision. He and Sam could never be more than friends. And Sam would never know that it wasn't because of the military. That it wasn't because he didn't love her. Because he did. More than she would ever know.

It was because he loved her that he couldn't be with her. He was too old to risk his heart again. His sanity again. He had loved Sara and Charlie so much. And they had been so happy. Only for it all to be lost. He couldn't go through that kind of loss again. And with the kind of careers they had the chances of one of them being killed or seriously hurt were great. If something ever happened to Sam... well, he didn't want to think about that. Today was not a day to be thinking about that. He could not think about the life that could of been. About the children they could of had. About the children that he could not give Sam. Because if they had been together she would of wanted children. She would never of understood that he couldn't risk having a child again. Of loving a child again. Of perhaps losing a child... again.

It was because of loss that he was here today. That he was keeping his promise. That he was walking towards Charlie's grave. For today would of been Charlie's 21st birthday. If he had been alive.

Jack opened the bottle of beer and poured two glasses. Putting one glass by Charlie's headstone, he raised his own glass "Happy Birthday Charlie"


End file.
